Thursday, December 01, 2011

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

Turn away now if you landed here expecting to read about bike stuff.

There are 60 started but unfinished drafts languishing under "Posts."  I miss writing, more I miss the clarity I once felt when writing. I found the experience quite fluid despite what anyone reading might think otherwise.  I keep thinking that someday it'll come back, I'll be able to concentrate a thought long enough to sort through what's troubling me.  Compounded with more things troubling me, it's a tortured life I live.

I miss the honesty of being able to celebrate an adventure, more I miss the adventures.  I've managed some comparatively shorter trips, but by the time that I sit down to share I'm frequently suffering the consequences.  Summer wasn't terrible, by the time that I sat down with fingers on keyboard to find the positive bit to share, too much sounded negative.

Three LONG years have gone by filled with chronic pain.  The effort and energy that I put into trying to find motivation and attempts to ignore the nagging discomfort are exhausting.  During one of my sessions with a pain psychologist we talked about the ability to suppress thoughts about discomfort.  I tried to explain how I have done several 24 hour (or more) events during which there are obviously times when one's mind might turn to thoughts about a sore bum, raw hands, blackened toenails.  Ignoring that shit is easy, it's temporary and after a couple of days everything is normal again.  This, well, I wonder if this is new normal.

I have grown tired of waking up every day with a headache or some mornings laying in bed in tears from the pain while building the energy and commitment to force myself to move on with the day.  I eventually dust myself on, take a handful or mix of anti-inflammatory drugs and move on with the day. I've tried to resume regular life activities, frequently over-doing it.

We are into December now and the weather is turning cold which seems to makes everything worse.  Weeks go by without riding a bike, and I simply cannot bear the pain from the ankle to get out an run.  It's killing me! I need to get outside, some exercise, some fresh air, an endorphin release.

Sufficiently depressing? Yup.

Here's the upshot; being almost an addictive person, I've turned to reading and learning... work stuff. Perhaps to a fault of working too much, but it does give me some sense of accomplishment and I need that.  I only write this all today as I contemplate sharing more about things of a technical nature.  I feel like I have A LOT to learn, could use a good coach, but I think that I might have some things to share.

Hang on, prepare to be bored on top of the depression.

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